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[personal profile] sinboy
If I have repeatedly done something stupid, chances are, I'll do it again. Look, I am crap about cleaning my room. I sometimes forget to close my door in the morning, letting the cat in to wake [livejournal.com profile] rosefox. I say stupid things that demonstrate male privilege.

I'm working on fixing most parts of myself that affect others. For example, I'm more cautious closing doors because [livejournal.com profile] thextina has a thing about door slamming noises. I've learned and unlearned all sorts of behavior patterns for [livejournal.com profile] rosefox's sake.

If I ever fucked up so badly that I got booted from a con for harassing a woman, and if it was pointed out that I'd had a HABIT of these problems, that'd be a sign that there was something deeply wrong abou how I interact with women. And the intense, overpowering shame I'd feel would be amazing. I would not talk to the con about "how can I get out of the punishment of being banned". I would not even SUGGEST I be allowed back, if the con had a public no-harassment policy.

Why? Because the con letting me back in would be an insult to the woman I harassed (intentionally or not) and would make that woman, and so many other women and men feel unsafe, insulted, and FURIOUS at the con, that if I cared about the con, as well as about the person I'd hurt, I'd just never come back. It would be the acceptable price of my fuckup that I never return.

And that is in no way contrition. Contrition would be the unending, and vigilant struggle, in public, to educate men about what's wrong with harassing women, how I personally fucked up, and how my never going near that woman again is about all I can do to help her feel safe. I would never seek to get back to the place of my fuckup. Because that's making the incident about me, not about the damage I'd done.

If the board of the con in a bout of INCREDIBLE STUPIDITY allowed me back, I'd refuse to go back. Because I'd be ashamed to show my face, and because I know my returning would hurt the person I hurt again. And that's unacceptable.

So, Rene Walling, wherever you are. You dont seem to get contrition. And you're being enabled by people who don't get it either. I hope you can get there some day. The first step you could take is to make the person you harassed feel safe at the place you harassed her.

And you know how to do that, right? It's to not come back. Because you didn't hurt the board, you hurt someone with no power to ban you, who thought the board would take care of that and keep her safe, AND THEY DID NOT.

Both you and the board are colluding to make the con an unsafe place. You could back up, and stop that. And that would be real evidence of contrition. Not getting caught fucking up for two years is NOT evidence of contrition. It's evidence you didn't get caught by anyone who'd report you to people who'd care. And people who care are in short supply. Harrasers get away with it every day. You certainly did until now.

So grow up, and care about the real people you hurt. And the con you're hurting by pretending that you've learned a lesson. Your real lesson is in stopping yourself from being a part of hurting women, and I've seen only evidence to the contrary on that one.

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October 2012

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